{ domesticated violence}

✥ domesticated violence

"Each book is Lazarus. By opening the covers, you bid Lazarus to come forth. Ray Bradbury"

Emma. Author of the Black Rose series.
antiques. bohemian. retro. vintage. francophile. dystopia. f scott fitzgerald.

The Story of Moving Out: When the Bohemian met the 50's, stole a muscle car in France & drove it to Vegas before creating a library & living with Sherlock. Yep, pretty much sums up my style.

Title: darkness grows thick
Posted on: Saturday, 17 December 2011

Music: Eddie Money - Take Me Home Tonight

From my Diary 2009:

'Tears came to my eyes watching people I didn't know go up to the front to get saved, to meet You. It just made me think how many tears Id cry if one of my friends was saved, if they knew You. It made me get my priorities right.

No matter whether I get a job or not, end up going on the dole or whatever, I won't lose faith in You. I won't let go of Your hand. I'm not going to blame You for any of this, but Im going to keep firmly fixed on the situation. I want to praise You tomorrow morning on the way to work and pray for a great day, but be praising You instead of my list of wants - get me through the day, don't let me cry in front of them. Again.

Emil was right in speaking Your word & I believe You do have hold of my hand, pulling me through this. '

"This" was me working for a government organisation I shouldn't name. Plenty of money in my pay packet. I cried every day. I cried every lunchtime, even before I could run out of the building and get in my car. I'd drive to Lake Illawarra and sit there crying. A man walked by once with his kid and I remember looking up & seeing him looking at me like I'd lost the plot. I think for a moment there I did.

I cried at the end of every day shift at 7pm, going to bed at 8 & crying til 10. It got to the point where my prayers to leave just became "Please"

This entry was written about then. I knew I was entering a dark place - I couldn't stand the teasing from 40-60 year olds. I couldn't stand the constant criticism of my English accent, which wasn't even that strong. I learnt very quickly to speak "Australian" I couldn't stand being crying like this, feeling like there wasn't a way out. So one day I held up my Bible at the beach & said God give me a word, something, show me if I walk in there right now & tell the Inspector Im quitting that Im not going to die, Im not going to have no money and be in massive debt for my car. Now that I have mental health knowledge & Im in a better frame of mind, I know I was depressed.

I flicked open the Bible and there in front of me, in pink highlighter was "YOU SHALL NOT DIE BUT LIVE"

I walked to the Inspector's office that day and told him I wanted to quit. He told me to give him 2 weeks to "fix it". I gave him 2. Nothing changed. By this time I'd put in an application for my current job & the day I found out I had it, I quit this place. I lived. God got me through that. I've never felt His hand so strongly pulling me through.